Never imagined I’d see yesterday through tomorrow’s eyes.
Hope now blinded once again by the truth,
Of an uncertainty in life that is all too real.
Living in a world full of broken hearts, promises, and paths.
Where is my sunshine and rainbow?
Where is my shovel to dig myself out of this hell of despair and fear?
Where is the train to Anyplace other than here?
As I approach my 45th Born Day on April 4th, as always, I’m stopping for a minute, to reflect upon my life’s journey. I’ve thought about my ups and downs. I’ve thought about my highs and lows. I’ve thought about my truth in my journey. I’ve traveled so far, and want to keep traveling upon the road that lies before me. My journey began with a single step towards possibilities, opportunities, and growth. A journey towards freedom and happiness. Just like a passenger who boards a train, my journey has taken me where I need to be.
I remember the complex days of my childhood, teen years, and even some of my adult years. I was that “lucky” kid, so others would say. I was that kid who got everything I ever asked for. I got everything I ever asked for, except a loving and caring family. I grew up in a home without true love shown, and I was always halfway happy at home. On the flip side of this, I was always happy at school. It was there that I felt safe. It was there that I felt loved. Now, as a teacher myself, I keep all of this in mind, when it comes to my classroom. My classroom might be the only place where a child feels love, and school might be the only place where a child feels safe. I make it known to my students that I care, and that I love.
I survived years of abuse from family, which lasted well into my adult years. I finally had the courage to walk away from all of the hurt and dysfunction. I had reached my breaking point. As I sat in my apartment one afternoon and sobbed uncontrollably at the fact that ‘loved ones’ can treat me so bad, I realized that I must take care of my own mental health, and I must ensure my own happiness. After years of trying to love away the pain and fix what was broken, I just became tired. Tired of feeling guilty for wanting to walk away and stay away. Tired of trying to understand. Tired of trying. Tired of hiding. Tired of smiling on the outside, when I didn’t always want to. It’s never been easy living on the other side of love. But the cold world that I lived in never made me bitter. I just kept hoping and wishing that I would be free one day. Free to be me. Free to feel joy. Free to express and receive unconditional love. My heart is in a good place within me now, and has been for quite some time now. I know what love is, by the positive examples of it that I saw elsewhere. And from the poor examples that I was shown, I certainly know what love is not. If I should ever fall in love, my heart’s love will be truly genuine and free flowing.
As life is a journey full of lessons learned and lessons taught, I look back at the trials in my life and praise God that I grew up to become the woman that I am today. In all of my strength, I can stand proud in the mirror and love the person that I see each day. My life is a tale of overcoming obstacles, and not becoming another statistic. My story is not unique. Nor is it uncommon. But this story is mine. It will always be a part of who I am.
No, it wasn’t easy living on the other side of love, but once I knocked down the wall of obstruction, I found out how sweet love and freedom could be. And they taste sweeter each and everyday. I welcome 45 with open arms.
My final message on my site before 2016 comes to an end is a post titled, ‘Never Surrender Your Dreams.’ I stated that I want 2017 to be a year of possibilities, opportunities, and growth. It seems like the brutal nature of 2016 is going to rear its ugly head until the very end. Tonight, I asked where the fuck did humanity go? I had to rewind and catch myself and my feelings. I had to remind myself of my purpose in life. Tonight, I had to remind myself that I can’t let hope and dreams slip away, and that I shall press forward. I have to press forward. The following quote by Harriet Tubman served as a reminder for me tonight.
“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.”
– Harriet Tubman
The time has come for me to write my last post of 2016. As always, I want to say, “Thank you” to everyone who has visited my site, liked a post, or left a comment. As with any approaching new year, and now, a new presidency, life is full of uncertainty. On the flip side of this, life can also be full of possibilities. I want 2017 to be a year of possibilities, opportunities, and growth. May all of you make the very best of your 2017 and beyond.
There’s uncertain travels on the long road to somewhere.
Twists and turns on a questionable road.
Unpaved paths to new unknowns,
That make you put guarded faith on the line.
Unpaved paths to new unknowns,
That make you put guarded faith on the line.
Uncertainty and doubt are heavy loads to bear,
And these elements eat away at one’s core.
Too far forward, so there’s no turning back now,
But for a moment in time, one’s feet are frozen still.
More road to travel, but the frightened heart wants to say it’s the end.
What if?
What happens at the end of the road?
When the hope dies out,
And positive vibes become non existent?
A stagnant existence is born that kills each breath taken,
And causes one to fade.
One will never know the possibilities.
What if?
What happens on the road still taken?
When you muster the strength to drop the load of uncertainty and doubt.
The body is now light.
Fluid movements allow you to just be.
Free.
And one can now see with clear eyes.
There’s something about being free,
That causes the body to press on.
Keep moving. Keep striving. Keep searching.
There’s a chance you’ll see what your heart is searching for.
There’s uncertain travels on the long road to somewhere.
Twists and turns on a questionable road.
Unpaved paths to new unknowns,
That make you put guarded faith on the line.
Uncertainty and doubt are heavy loads to bear,
And these elements eat away at one’s core.
Too far forward, so there’s no turning back now,
But for a moment in time, one’s feet are frozen still.
More road to travel, but the frightened heart wants to say it’s the end.
What if?
What happens at the end of the road?
When the hope dies out,
And positive vibes become non existent?
A stagnant existence is born that kills each breath taken,
And causes one to fade.
One will never know the possibilities.
What if?
What happens on the road still taken?
When you muster the strength to drop the load of uncertainty and doubt.
The body is now light.
Fluid movements allow you to just be.
Free.
And one can now see with clear eyes.
There’s something about being free,
That causes the body to press on.
Keep moving. Keep striving. Keep searching.
There’s a chance you’ll see what your heart is searching for.
Take that chance.
Never surrender your dreams.
What do you do when your heart dries out?
When there’s no blood left to shed?
When the beauty of bodies float away like dust?
When all you can feel is despair?
So many days and nights have my heart cried out,
To hollow ears who hear me not.
Hollow ears don’t hear my screams in the night.
Hollow ears know not my soul’s twists and turns.
And blind eyes don’t see my bloodshed,
When murderous hands perform the devil’s deeds.
So, what do you do when your heart cries out?
When there’s no one who seems to care?
My Quiet Fire 